I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
