the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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