I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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