We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
