I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Randomize
