There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Randomize
