I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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