luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
