I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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