My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
