oh god the rape fog is back!
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
