why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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