Michael Bay diarrhea
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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