after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
