She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
