Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
