wakey wakey hands off snakey
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
