i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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