i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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