i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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