I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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