My room smells like vodka and shame
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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