please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
