I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
