Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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