Please, let me fuck your mom
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
