here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
