chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
