if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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