I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
