What did we do last night that was yellow?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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