we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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