thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
