I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
