You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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