they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
