I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
