dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
