you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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