does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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