You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize