fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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