ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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