You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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