Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Just high enough for therapy.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
