I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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