So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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