She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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