it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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