Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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