I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
