I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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