Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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