Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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