is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize