My liver just broke up with me...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We're too hungover to prance.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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