Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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