I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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