I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
