I wish I could punch you in the face.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
