He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
